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| The 'Imp,' Phil's 1951 Imperial — presently in hock. |
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From time to time, this site posts (heavily edited) correspondence from your humble servant's old college buddy, Phil (
here). Phil's a character, whose missives contain roughly equal amounts of wisdom and profanity — hence, the need for editing. A native Tennessean, he resides in southern Arizona where he rails against universities (in his senior year, Phil was expelled for mooning the Chaplain's wife), therapists (Phil was shot down by "a bodacious lady shrink" after "the incident"), global warming ("it's all UHI"), and so on.
Over the year's, Phil's been given to abrupt "career changes" — most recently from promoting "of course, it's legal" investment schemes to working as a "consultant" for an incumbent senator who should know better, but apparently doesn't. Is that Solon ever screwed!
Recently, Phil and I spoke on the telephone. "Had to hock the car," he informed me, referring to his beloved, 1951 Imperial ['built like a tank'] that guzzles 2-3 gallons per mile in traffic, but 'makes up for it on the road.' "Should be able to buy it back next month. The fillies love it, you know." [Hope so. Phil and that monster go way back. Totaled a VW bug once, back in the days when they sold for $1599. Came through without a scratch. A self-proclaimed protectionist, Phil was pleased — 'Sorta like an import tariff.'] "Besides," he continued, "I figured it was time to see the rest of the country." [Is Phil avoiding local law enforcement? Did one of those investment schemes turn out to have been not quite legal after all?]
A week or so later, a letter showed up. I reproduce it below — edits (for the sake of decorum), clarifications, my reactions, etc., in square brackets.
"Hey, T. A. --
"Whoa! Excess! [Phil's favorite way of evincing enthusiasm.]
"How's that blog of yours? Any hits yet? Not many, I bet. [Sigh!] Told you before, the name's all wrong. Sounds like you're pushing woofers 'n tweeters. [Double sigh!] Told you so. You need pictures — [deleted] N [deleted]. Give the guys something to look at -- maybe that Russian spy dame. You know, the redhead. They still won't read the crap you write, but at least you'll get some hits! Or she will -- Get it? Ha! Ha! [Triple sigh!]
"[Deleted] still thinks I'm working for him. Whoa! In six weeks, he'll be cooked like a trout on a grill. Or flappin['] like a fryin['] flounder! Won't have a nickel to his name. [I believe that. Associates of Phil inevitably wind up poorer for the experience.]
"You see the election in Alabama? Guy named Barber -- class act. Gave him 100 bucks. Didn't ask for more. Whoa! Just said thanks. Great psi-op! Actually thought of sending him more. Excess! [Phil giving money? This is amazing.]
"Got [deleted]. Wants us to get out of the [deleted] UN. Birchers right all along. We thought [']em crazier than a [deleted]. Remember? [Deleted]s want to take over the world.
"Wants to get rid of the IRS! Whoa! My kind of guy [Phil's had a thing about taxes for years, which is odd, because he rarely pays any.]
"You know, they're heapin a whole lot of [deleted] on the Gov here. Bodacious lady! And Zero wants to make 'em all citizens -- so they can vote for him. [Deleted]!
"Do the math. School bus holds 60 - say 50. Round trip to Mexico from Nogales / Douglas takes maybe an hour. Run it 10 hours [a day]. That's 500 illegals. Take a hundred buses -- get 'em from that fraud, Nagin. That's 5000. Three million in the state. Six hundred days to send 'em back. Two hundred buses, less than a year! And once you start, half leave on their own. Whoa! Problem solved! Cheaper than the [deleted] fence -- they'll never build it anyway. [Is Phil on to something?]
"Gotta run. Absentee ballots. Maybe Breitbart will pay for the story. [Someone always pays when Phil's involved.] Buy back the Imp.
"Say Hello to the Missis. Fine lady. [Agreed] Can't see what she sees in you. [Sigh!]
"Phil"
Good old Phil. As always, he's more right — in a "Phillish" sort of way — than wrong. Barber is a class act, and with the courage of his convictions. As to the school bus scheme, it's hard to imagine the Mexican government's going along. But getting serious would surely result in considerable self-deportation. Maybe we should try it — if not as Phil suggests, at least by putting some large, prominent employers in jail.
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