The 'Imp,' Rick Barber and the Two Hundred Buses.

The 'Imp,' Phil's 1951 Imperial — presently in hock.

From time to time, this site posts (heavily edited) correspondence from your humble servant's old college buddy, Phil (here). Phil's a character, whose missives contain roughly equal amounts of wisdom and profanity — hence, the need for editing. A native Tennessean, he resides in southern Arizona where he rails against universities (in his senior year, Phil was expelled for mooning the Chaplain's wife), therapists (Phil was shot down by "a bodacious lady shrink" after "the incident"), global warming ("it's all UHI"), and so on.

Over the year's, Phil's been given to abrupt "career changes" — most recently from promoting "of course, it's legal" investment schemes to working as a "consultant" for an incumbent senator who should know better, but apparently doesn't. Is that Solon ever screwed!

Recently, Phil and I spoke on the telephone. "Had to hock the car," he informed me, referring to his beloved, 1951 Imperial ['built like a tank'] that guzzles 2-3 gallons per mile in traffic, but 'makes up for it on the road.' "Should be able to buy it back next month. The fillies love it, you know." [Hope so. Phil and that monster go way back. Totaled a VW bug once, back in the days when they sold for $1599. Came through without a scratch. A self-proclaimed protectionist, Phil was pleased — 'Sorta like an import tariff.'] "Besides," he continued, "I figured it was time to see the rest of the country." [Is Phil avoiding local law enforcement? Did one of those investment schemes turn out to have been not quite legal after all?]

A week or so later, a letter showed up. I reproduce it below — edits (for the sake of decorum), clarifications, my reactions, etc., in square brackets.

"Hey, T. A. --

"Whoa! Excess! [Phil's favorite way of evincing enthusiasm.]

"How's that blog of yours? Any hits yet? Not many, I bet. [Sigh!] Told you before, the name's all wrong. Sounds like you're pushing woofers 'n tweeters. [Double sigh!] Told you so. You need pictures — [deleted] N [deleted]. Give the guys something to look at -- maybe that Russian spy dame. You know, the redhead. They still won't read the crap you write, but at least you'll get some hits! Or she will -- Get it? Ha! Ha! [Triple sigh!]

"[Deleted] still thinks I'm working for him. Whoa! In six weeks, he'll be cooked like a trout on a grill. Or flappin['] like a fryin['] flounder! Won't have a nickel to his name. [I believe that. Associates of Phil inevitably wind up poorer for the experience.]

"You see the election in Alabama? Guy named Barber -- class act. Gave him 100 bucks. Didn't ask for more. Whoa! Just said thanks. Great psi-op! Actually thought of sending him more. Excess! [Phil giving money? This is amazing.]

"Got [deleted]. Wants us to get out of the [deleted] UN. Birchers right all along. We thought [']em crazier than a [deleted]. Remember? [Deleted]s want to take over the world.

"Wants to get rid of the IRS! Whoa! My kind of guy [Phil's had a thing about taxes for years, which is odd, because he rarely pays any.]

"You know, they're heapin a whole lot of [deleted] on the Gov here. Bodacious lady! And Zero wants to make 'em all citizens -- so they can vote for him. [Deleted]!

"Do the math. School bus holds 60 - say 50. Round trip to Mexico from Nogales / Douglas takes maybe an hour. Run it 10 hours [a day]. That's 500 illegals. Take a hundred buses -- get 'em from that fraud, Nagin. That's 5000. Three million in the state. Six hundred days to send 'em back. Two hundred buses, less than a year! And once you start, half leave on their own. Whoa! Problem solved! Cheaper than the [deleted] fence -- they'll never build it anyway. [Is Phil on to something?]

"Gotta run. Absentee ballots. Maybe Breitbart will pay for the story. [Someone always pays when Phil's involved.] Buy back the Imp.

"Say Hello to the Missis. Fine lady. [Agreed] Can't see what she sees in you. [Sigh!]

"Phil"

Good old Phil. As always, he's more right — in a "Phillish" sort of way — than wrong. Barber is a class act, and with the courage of his convictions. As to the school bus scheme, it's hard to imagine the Mexican government's going along. But getting serious would surely result in considerable self-deportation. Maybe we should try it — if not as Phil suggests, at least by putting some large, prominent employers in jail.

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When the Dawn Comes Up Like Thunder.

On the Road to Mandalay adapted from Kipling's poem.

Johnny Comes Marching Home. A recent letter from Phil complained about robo calls and Sarah Palin's announcement that she will campaign for John McCain. Phil's advice to Sarah (Think she'll listen?): "Stay out of Arizona til after the primary. If McCain wins, fine. Then you can indulge your sense of obligation. He's a RINO fer sure (immigration, cap and trade, etc.), but better a RINO than a Dem. And if he loses, we're all on the same side, which is where we belonged in the first place!" This columnist agrees, but worries that McCain's millions, the local press, who will abandon him in the general, and lingering affection for an old war hero will carry the day. More to the point, he fears that Republican voters may succumb to the "Better than a Dem" argument before the general, i.e., that they will fall hook, line and sinker for the claim that only McCain can win — which brings us, in a round about way, to the subject of today's post.

Puzzle in a Poem. Long puzzling to this author are the geographical and ichthyological references in Rudyard Kipling's famous poem, Mandalay, later set to music (video). On the face of it, Kipling's allusions, to "China", "the bay" and "flyin'-fishes" make great verse, but not a whole lot of sense. Some have suggested geographic ignorance / poetic license and let it go at that. But, as we shall see, poetry and reality can be reconciled, remarkably, if you will indulge me, in a way that bears on the aforementioned election. First, the relevant lines of the poem:

"By the old Moulmein Pagoda, lookin' eastward to the sea,
There's a Burma girl a-settin', and I know she thinks o' me;
For the wind is in the palm-trees, and the temple-bells they say:
"Come you back, you British soldier; come you back to Mandalay!"
Come you back to Mandalay,
Where the old Flotilla lay:
Can't you 'ear their paddles chunkin' from Rangoon to Mandalay?
On the road to Mandalay,
Where the flyin'-fishes play,
An' the dawn comes up like thunder outer China 'crost the Bay!"

...

Ship me somewheres east of Suez, where the best is like the worst,
Where there aren't no Ten Commandments an' a man can raise a thirst;
For the temple-bells are callin', an' it's there that I would be --
By the old Moulmein Pagoda, looking lazy at the sea;
..." [Emphasis added]

Figure 1. The spectacular pagoda at Moulmein.

Geography. Mandalay is the old royal capital of Burma. The city is inland and upriver (north) on the Irrawaddy of Rangoon, the present-day capital. Moulmein, home of the spectacular "old Mulmein Pagoda" (Figure 1), is south and east, on the other side of the Gulf of Martaman (Figure 2), and China is far to the north and the east. Importantly, the Irrawaddy was the "road to Mandalay," or so the British called it — hence the references to "the old Flotilla" (river boats based at Mandalay) and "their paddles clunkin' from Rangoon to Mandalay."

Questions.

1. If one is going up the Irrawaddy by paddle steamer from Rangoon, how does the sun rise over China, which is in the wrong direction and hundreds of miles distant?
   


2. The only "bay" in the vicinity, the Bay of Bengal, is to the south and west. How can China be "'crost the bay"?


3. Where frolic the flying fishes? Not in the Irrawaddy. The family Exocoetidae is entirely marine.

Previously. This correspondent is not the first to ponder the problem. Over at Old Poetry, several readers weigh in on the subject:

1. Charley Noble suggests, and I agree, that "China" refers to Indochina, in which case the sun can rise due east. Charley notes that the Irrawaddy was "the road to Mandalay" — hat tip — and further suggests that the setting is Moulmein harbor. With the last I disagree because it would make India, not China (Indochina), the land across the bay.


2. David Beierl suggests that the first line above "should read '... lookin' lazy at the sea'. The change ['lazy' to 'eastward']," he writes, was made "by the folks who set it [the poem] to music," and that, the sea being west of Moulmein, "the alteration doesn't make sense." Clearly, if one is looking seaward from the pagoda, one is facing west. However, while "lazy at the sea" shows up towards the end of the poem, Project Gutenberg gives the first reference to sea gazing as "lookin' eastward'." That having been said, a survey of other internet links yields multiple occurrences of both versions.
   

Figure 2. To the east of Rangoon, and on the other side of the Gulf of Martaman, is the town of Moulmein. Mandalay lies to the north.

My Solution. Kipling imagined (he was only in Burma for a couple of days) going upriver from Rangoon to Mandalay, and, as suggested by Noble, "China" is Indochina. The "bay" is the Gulf of Martaman, wherein cavort the Exocoetidae (flyin'-fishes). The first reference to "lookin'," has Kipling in Rangoon gazing towards Moulein and the girl who thinks of him, hence, the sun rises in the east — "outer China" and "'crost the bay." In the second reference, it is the temple that looks seaward. As Beierl correctly observes, "east" won't do. So Kipling substitutes "lazy at" for "eastward," and, while he's at it, changes "lookin'" to "looking."

Unresolved. If we take Kipling's words at face value, the flying fish are still in the Irrawaddy. Perhaps, having never himself made the journey, he imagined them incorrectly in the river. Perhaps, as others have suggested, meter and rhyme trumped accuracy, i.e., Kipling knew full well that the fish were in the bay, but couldn't get that to work. Or perhaps, from time to time, hapless individuals try their luck in freshwater — sort of like conservatives voting for RINOs.

Update (1 February, 2010): Additional discussion of these issues at Waepedia — probably elsewhere as well.

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A Letter from Phil.

It's been more than a decade since my old buddy, Phil, was expelled from one of the Ivies, sad to say, for "mooning" the chaplain's wife. After 'the incident' and a failed attempt at therapy, Phil drifted west where he attended law school and discovered that he could support himself nicely promoting "of course, it's legal" investment schemes. Occasionally, we correspond — which fact I mention by way of introducing the following account, recently received, of a town hall meeting in southern Arizona.

Before proceeding, a little more about Phil to give context to his remarks:

• Phil's favorite word is "excess;" his preferred expression for evidencing enthusiasm, "Whoa, excess!" sometimes reduced to "Whoa!" delivered in a cadenced baritone and a Nashville accent.


• He is deeply attached to crudities, which affection remains pretty much what it was in college.


• He hates universities, generally, their speech codes, in particular, the latter because they limit 'freedom of expression', which is how he views 'the incident'.


• He also hates 'controlling people': professors, therapists of all sorts and especially psychiatrists, the latter, because, in the course of the counseling noted above, he 'was shot down in flames' by a 'bodaceous lady shrink'.


• Ever partial to gluttony, Phil has recently slimmed down to a svelte 290 pounds — 'all muscle.'


• Despite a respectable income, he doesn't pay much in the way of taxes.


• His disdain for pyramid schemes (see below) is, shall we say, selective.


• Phil rarely walks, preferring instead his souped-up 1951 Imperial — 'built like a tank' — that guzzles 2-3 gallons per mile in traffic, but 'makes up for it on the road'. Also, 'the fillies love it'.


• Phil now counts himself a member of the TEA party movement; will it survive the encounter?

And now, to Phil's recent epistle. As always, edits (most for the sake of decorum), clarifications, etc., in square brackets.

"Hey T. A. -

We were pretty rude last night. Excess! Giffords, [Representative, D. Az.], Carmona [former Surgeon General] and two pro-Obama Care plants — a Ph.D and a shrink — took some major [unprintable]. [Unprintable]s deserved it; crooks; liars. 'Fire 'em all!' I said; audience loved it. Too bad I can't go into politics. [Unprintable] [unprintable]s 'd start digging around! [Good thing; Phil would go straight to the top.] Anyway, I had fun. [Phil always has fun.] Finally got [illegible] back for my tax dollars [see above]. Of course, they could have given us eggs and tomatoes; raised some major dinero, chipped away at those unfunded liabilities. Whoa! Rotten tomatoes priced by size; better, by target: 5 bucks for Likins [former President of the state university], $10 for Carmona; $25, for Giffords. Me, I'd pay $100 for Carmona. Condescending S.O.B. [the original was more colorful], says we need a "health maintenance system" with folks like him tell [sic] us what to eat, when to drive, what to say. [Unprintable] thought police! 'Course universities do that already; [unprintable]. Likins rates a hundred bucks too. [Phil, being Phil, would, of course, arrange for the unfortunate gentleman to pay him for the privilege of being pelted.] Anyway, it won't save jack; just give the [unprintable]s more [unprintable] control, more [unprintable] power. Line their pockets too. [Unprintable]! Rationing my [unprintable] you know what! And they're gonna make it worse — [unprintable] green facists! Cap 'n trade my [unprintable]-[unprintable] [unprintable]! We need nuclear! Jane Fonda — [unprintable] [unprintable]! Old [folks] don't know [what's in their own interest]!

"Whoa! We could raise money for the TEA Party! — put on a "Take Back America Faire." Get some volunteers; give them masks; put 'em in the stocks or over a dunk tank. OK, maybe not volunteers, someone could get hurt. How about dummies? Oops, that gets us back to politicians; (Get it? politicians, dummies!) should of said mannequins. (Ha! Ha!) What do you think? If you go in with me, we could split things down the middle [Translation: I could foot the expenses; Phil would handle the profits.]

"Hope you've worked off some of that jelly roll, not sitting around like you used to. [He should talk!] Anyone reading that blog of yours yet? Bet no one's seen it [Sigh!]. Still think you should call it 'T & A'; come up better in Google that way. Skip the 'Speaker' part — sounds like you're peddling woofers and tweeters.

"Phil"

Good old Phil. He gets to the point, albeit in a "Philish" sort of way. As always, I took the bait and did some digging. Here is a more conventional statement of his argument:

1. The looming crisis in health care is driven by demographics. An aging population, consequential to the post-war baby boom and the subsequent decline in the birth rate to less than pre-war levels, necessitates a greater per capita burden on those who work, even if the goal is only to maintain services at their current levels. Carmona, Emanuel, et al. want to compensate by curbing expenditures — by forcing people to live healthier lives, in which regard I share Phil's skepticism, and by government-enforced rationing. Likins, if one judges by his other enthusiasms, doubtless agrees.
   


2. The inevitable result is Sarah Palin's "death panels," from which we can only be saved by increasing per capita productivity.
   


3. Giffords supports cap and trade, for which she recently voted, and opposes domestic drilling, nuclear power, etc. She voted against H.R. 6566 back in 2008. This is a surefire strategy for reducing per capita productivity, which means more rationing, more death panels, etc. So, when Giffords says that she wants to improve the nation's health care — well, that's not quite accurate. Some, will see an improvement, or, at least, be able to stop using the ER in lieu of a PCP. But for the majority, those already insured, the result will be diminished, probably greatly diminished, services. As for the near-elderly, their future is bleak. Review boards will substitute hospice care, sometimes appropriately, sometimes not, for treatment. A single payer system — inevitable if there's a public option — will prevent people from "wasting" their savings on expensive procedures, and a jacked up (Sheesh! I'm starting to sound like Phil) inheritance tax will guarantee that the money saved is used for the greater good, i.e., that it goes to the government.
   


4. Whatever comes of this, one can be sure that the likes of Carmona and Giffords will never themselves face the prospect of health care truncated by communitarian concerns.

Phil's right. They're liars for sure; hypocrites, too.
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